A song comes on, an emailed is received and an obscure memory appears. And you cry as you walk home because it's what you need to do to keep from having a breakdown.

I would have given my life on Jan 10, 2010 if it meant Daddy could have lived his.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Tears on Water Street

bah humbug!

i am in a constant state of confusion when it comes to all we have to do to be able to adopt. the time, the money, the ads, the listings, the websites. it really is too much. someone always needs something from me. am i nuts that i send it and they are still asking me!?

don't you feel that things used to be much more simple than they are now? i do. its a baby. seems everyone can have one or adopt one like its nothing but WE are having the issues and to wait.

i am just at my wit's end. emotionally broken.

i think i jumped the gun having this private blog. do you really want to listen to me whine?


i conquered something yesterday.  i went to my first baby shower in 3 years. maybe it was bc my friend has had a hard time too. who knows. it was lovely but part of my heart broke.  it is what it is.


sometimes i wonder if we should do another ivf. i don't know if i could handle a 6th anytime soon. it's not because of the appts, blood-work, surgeries...it's the feeling of hope you get and then  you watch it crash -- in my case, at least.


we just paid off our credit cards. which means we paid off the failed IVFs. we did get to book two free tickets to california bc of all the points we racked up. sweet.


and today is day 1 of my cycle. i have no clue how long this past one was bc i could care less. it's too much. i did this for 3 years, people. but now, husband wants to try again. he asked me if i would temp and tinkle on the ovulation sticks. i told him -- maybe.   once i start, do i keep going?  you know?  i got pregnant each time WITHOUT really trying.  plus, i have one tube peeps. remember that story? bah.


oh and we are starting the Shred over. today. day 1 of my cycle. 


someone help me. ;)

ooops of the day?*

my mother in an overly excited voice:  Oh, I gave your adoption website to someone that is gonna help find you a baby!

me:  great!  thanks mommy.

my mother: it's the whisper loudly one, right?

me:  Um, nooooooooo!  NOT THAT ONE!

* good thing i went private?

XO

a certain someone told me that i have not posted on here in a day or so.

i guess i am tired of hearing myself whine.

we are under a great deal of stress. i cannot begin to tell you how much is going on.

it is once again testing our marriage. family, money, death, debts, business, taxes...

and as of late, i have been sad. sad that we still do not have a child.

i am going to a friend's baby shower. we met during one of our many IVF's. her last one worked.
i bought her unborn daughter lots of pretty things and at first, it was fun. then i started to get a knot in my chest, lump in my throat, you get it, right?  i started to think that i may never get this chance and if i do, it does not seem to be happening anytime soon.

i prayed to God. i told Him that i was ready, very ready to become a mother. to make A a father. so on and so forth. i even bought a pair of bloomer pants? i will post them one day. they are precious. for a girl more than a boy but hey...who cares. seersucker!  i put them in the the baby stuff cabinet and got really sad. i saw all the presents that my sis and mom sent us. they were so excited and then we lost the baby boy that my daddy sent to us.

ugh.

i cannot deal right now. back to my dinner of cadbury mini eggs.

x

need to clarify

regarding number 1 in the below post...

I sent this email to my sister:

"so, i sent you a text about S coming up and she wrote back. you gave her the option to come up? not sure how that will work. it's not a vacation. we wanted her out of 'hometown' for a bit and working up here.

what is going on down there? does she have your phone now?"

Her response?

"No, she uses my phone sometimes.  I have to wait and see after her court date what she can and cannot do.  No, I did not give her an option.  If I tell her she’s going, she’s going.  She thinks she knows everything. I hope u see that.  I’m the parent and you are her nanny.  We say what goes, not her. I’m just trying to keep the peace, she is on lock down 24-7.  Court date is on your birthday. We r counting down 37 days left. Love u and hope all is well."

So, I feel better. 

S was trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

I feel so stupid and naive.

UGH.

i need to vent.

So many thoughts fill my mind today.

1. My sister is giving my niece THE CHOICE to come up to NYC for the summer.

It was never something that my 16 year old needed to choose to do.

I really wonder what the heck my sister is doing, thinking.

It all baffles me.

2. I had a breakdown yesterday.

I was watching "Away We Go" and I just thought it was another movie about a couple having a baby. However, it was much more than that. There was a couple in there that reminded me of Hubs and I. They had adopted several children and you could tell how happy they were. 

Then it comes out, the wife suffered her fifth miscarriage and my heart sank. These people were us. Even though they had adopted, they still desired a baby born from them.

And it made me realize that I am the last infertile friend to get pregnant. 

I started this journey with several women and they have all had babies, have adopted and/or currently pregnant.

3.  I need to give my RSVP or Regrets for my IVF friend's baby shower.

Part of me does not know if I can make it through.

Part of me knows I want to be there for her.

Part of me feels selfish.

4. I have been through too damn much in the last 6 months.

My dad is dead. People forget that.

I see people talking about their dead parents on TV and how it's been years and each day they feel a part of them is missing.

This is my life now and I was not prepared for this.

I was not prepared to get pregnant a month after he died and then miscarry a little boy I believe he sent to me.

5.  My aunt is being a b*tch about money and paying for the business taxes that my Dad and PaPa owe. That is not our responsibility! OKAY?  We don't inherit his debts. 

We have and are still giving more than we should because we are good people.

6.  I have had a headache for the past two days. Do you understand how useless that made me on my days off???????

Thanks for the vent session.

What bothers you?

Trying this blogpress thing out

Do you blog on the run?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

thank you

yeah, that is all.

thank you.

xoxox

is the shred dead?

UPDATE:  I DID IT!  DAY TWO DOWN!


okay. i started the shred video on tuesday. monday? i dunno. beginning of week. i have already dropped the ball. i know why. i am sad again. sad about all going on. i even ate french fries and a burger. someone help me. i cannot self sabotage again.

HELP ME!

boo hoo.

yeah, i feel ill for allowing all of this to be read.
sorry. just being honest.


i also feel ill about the adoption process. 
do you realize it will cost us 10-30K for advertising?
back in the day, you put an ad in the penny saver and bam -- you become a parent.
i am sick that we (loving peeps that want a child) have to go through so many gd hoops!


i am so frustrated with life right now. too much on my plate that i find it hard to do my exercise tape at night and not gorge on cupcakes. is that even correct grammar?  i cannot spend money on silly things that might make me feel better bc we are always in save mode. 


i don't even want to place these ads. i don't want to try for a baby on our own. i am just beat.


i need a break. okay? i do. now i am in tears and feel anxious. 


boo hoo, right?


i am about to go outside and take a deep breath.

she is still a child.

so i learned that my niece was dealing m.ary.jane.

yup.

my heart broke. again.

hubs and i spoke about it and we have offered to have her come up to stay with us over the summer months. however, we have to see what the courts decide first.

she needs taken out of that environment for a bit. we can work with her. find her a job. get her doing some volunteer work. 

we feel we need to intervene. 

who knows what will happen.

but we have to start somewhere, with a plan and go from there.

oxoxo

hey gang. thanks for the love. i know what i have to do and that it will all be okay but sometimes i just want to scream.  and today was another one of those times.  saw my therapist and she reassured me that i am doing all i can and doing a damn good job at it. it's just the sadness and the anger that sometimes creeps in. i hate it. but it is life and i have to roll with the punches, feel the emotions and move on.


may i move on by yelling at smokers blocking the doorway?  does that help?  yes, it does.


may i move on by taking my time at the deli and look for change while people huff and puff around me?


BAH

at a loss.

y'all, i am seriously at a loss for words/thoughts/anything.


we had good news about my Papa and now the news is bad again. it's a long story that i will explain later but it is never-ending.


it breaks my heart to hear my Grandmother cry. hasn't she been through enough already? she lost her son 6 months ago, for goodness sake and now her husband may not come home and go straight to a nursing home. do you know why this all started? because my Papa decided that he could no longer smoke after he lost his son to lung cancer. a man trying to right a wrong ended up sicker than he was when he went into the hospital. i get his lungs are in bad shape but come on.


people tell me to pray. i have. my own religious Grandmother says God has abandoned us. does that not hurt your heart?  how will she handle the stress?  


and here i am helpless. what will help? what can i do?


why is my father not helping? why is he dead and gone? why is it always such a struggle?


why do i even think that being positive and optimistic will help?  


someone tell me what to do!

update

update on niece:  

without going into too much detail, she went to court,

was given another court date and will most likely have to do some sort of community service.

thank you for the support. it means a lot!

as for me:

 today is an okay day.

i miss my dad.

this month marks the 3rd year since we started trying for a baby and well, you know the end of that story.

i find that every blog i read is announcing something - a new baby, a wedding, a this or that.

i am not jealous but it is a big reminder of what we have lost.

gotta move forward, right?

i am extremely excited about FCI and cannot wait to switch my focus up a bit.

i see big things happening in my future.

:0

happy friday, gang.