Husband's flying to Cali for a week. His father is not well. He will be trying to move him to a nursing home type facility. If he is able to get out of hospital.

My niece is being manipulative, defiant and ugly to her mom and to me. This is a girl on probation from getting in major trouble.

Everyone says, "when a birth mom sees your profile, they will pick you in a second". Guess what? 4 have talked to us. Got our hopes up and nothing. They picked someone else. Almost 4 years we've tried for a baby and still nothing!!!!

I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm tired and hurt.
I have no words to explain how much this is taking a toll on me, my life, etc. I'm ready to throw the towel in. And l I really need is someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Lost again

still here.

hello.

i am still here. just really busy these days.

i thought i would mention that i want a baby. i want to have one grow in my uterus and in my heart. plain and simple. 

just because i don't talk about it much does not mean, it went away. i am doing all i can to focus on other things but the fact is that life is moving along, i am getting older and there is still no baby. 

i still feel left behind. i don't get it. 

love,

me

Back in town

Hi gang.

We are back from our trip. I'm not calling it a vacation bc we did not relax much at all. We were visiting family and pushed and pulled in every direction.

It was amazing and hard at the same time. Tonight I'm anxious about going back to work. Not sure what to expect, since the tension is high. I feel I'll get my walking papers any minute.

I'll explain and talk more about the trip tomorrow. I'm just really down and out right now. I try hard to please everyone and hate disappointing others but sometimes it happens. I need a vacation from the trip. Do you ever feel like that?

Love to all and I've missed ya.

X


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I am back...

Hi all.

It's been awhile.

Life is at it again. It's being a biatch in the worst way.

One minute life is spectacular and the next it's a pile of crap.

I know you all want me happy and chirpy but honestly the only time I ever am is when I'm in class. Its a stressful time for sure but one of the best stresses ever.

The rest of my life is bleak and sorta a mess. I may lose my job, my marriage is way on the rocks and not the margarita with salt kind either. When I say things are bad, I mean it. No drama fo yo mama here.

I really wonder at times if life is pushing me in a different direction. Maybe I should not be working at that job anymore, maybe I'm not getting pregnant or carrying a child or adopting for a reason.

As I walked home from the subway tonight, I said a prayer. Sorta kinda. I asked God to lay off, that if he had something else in mind for me, to make it easy for me to figure it out. I'm tired of feeling pain and emptiness. Tired of emotional abuse.

I honestly cannot take anymore.

And tonight, I stored away my two tarts because I've been told if I eat them I'll get fat and that I'm not losing weight as it is. Yeah, I said it. Someone told me this. Okay? And well my heart is hurt and f'in angry about it.

I better sign off before I start throwing things.

X


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

another random thoughts post

hello gang.

i am in a blogging slump.

i feel that my blog is lacking. i guess it's turned into a lifestyle blog.

what does that mean exactly?  ;)

i don't want to blog the only thing I blog about to be my school experience.

that would bore you and me to tears.

i guess i am feeling the pressure of being a blogger. 

i know. pressures? blogging?

but it is supposed to be fun. comments are nice and special.

little smiles in your inbox.

i dunno.

i am beat. big bosses are in and i am ready for them to leave. not big fans.

we have to pull out the china, okay?

ridick.

oh and my new healthy way of eating is killing me.

all i want is a burger and fries smothered in mayo.

i think it is pms.

and i hate the shred.

but i let myself gain weight and now i need to work to lose it.

oh and i keep having dreams about people being pregnant. yup, everyone except me and the male population.

miss you guys.

x

lift me up.

i am back. 


i've been told this blog is dark and dreary. i don't mean it to be but i do have more sides to me than just the happy, go lucky one.


i feel sadness a lot. i miss my dad every minute of every day. i want a baby. announcements are happening left and right and i feel so left behind. 


what about adoption? what about it? we just spent 2K to advertise in a few newspapers this month. which means we wait.  it's what we do these days.


i try hard to move forward each day and i believe i am but there are times that i feel paralyzed with sadness.   i have my schooling to look forward to and a visit out West soon. i live for things to look forward to. 


another thing is i have not been the best friend as of late. i have bailed on things and it may be excuses but it has to do with my mood that day but mostly money. all we do is save to pay off this IVF or that adoption fee or my daddy's bills and have nothing to show for it. no baby from my belly. no baby from our heart. no daddy.


do you see how one could be down a little bit from all of this?


but at the end of the day, i care so much for my friends. i love them and want the best for them. i hurt when they hurt. i smile when they do.


thank you for being here, gang.  it really means the world to me. 


x

A song comes on, an emailed is received and an obscure memory appears. And you cry as you walk home because it's what you need to do to keep from having a breakdown.

I would have given my life on Jan 10, 2010 if it meant Daddy could have lived his.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Tears on Water Street