i have not talked about this in awhile. i think i have come to the realization that nothing i do will make a baby grow in my belly or come to us through adoption. it is all about timing. i don't have control over this ride. i am on it and i sometimes i want to jump off, sometimes i can barely hang on, while other times, i just forget what ride i am on and enjoy the breeze on my face.
i guess the less i focus on not having a baby or being pregnant, the less it hurts.
and babies are now around me more and more and i adore them.
i have come to terms with all of it.
i mean, some things still sting but not as badly.
and i think this same thing happens regarding my dad, i try not to think about him too much throughout the day, but when i see a photo or something reminds me of him, i breakdown.
it's still surreal that he is gone.
that man loved me with everything he had.
that was a true love.
and i love him and miss him like whoa.
ok. tears. see? cannot bear to talk about him.
it hurts.
back to this fertility journey.
i feel cheated a bit.
for example -- our taxes.
you can write off and are encouraged to put your totals for IVF, etc into your handy, dandy tax program and after all that money and all that failure, we still owe money.
ugh.
nothing to show for it.
middle class american over here.
(which is still better than most of the world).
(which is still better than most of the world).
i do love my time with my husband and friends.
i have visitors and i can fly home and not worry about anything.
i can still be selfish and i like that.
but sometimes when a and i are on the couch on a sat night, we feel lonely.
something is missing in our lives.
so, we focus on other things:
fci for me! woot woot.
grad school for him.
living the best life we can here in the city, which is hard at times.
and just living each day and trying not to think of what we don't have and enjoy what we do.
we can start trying again.
not sure i want to.
is that wrong?
but i feel i have to.
i will be 34 in may.
34. close to 35.
that is when they say it gets harder to conceive.
ugh. shoot me now.
harder? really?
i have to do all that is in my control to make it happen.
but when it doesn't, do i want to deal with it?
or am i so used to it that i will ok?
i just want to have fun with it.
i don't want to plan it.
and for goodness sake, have that baby live on for once!
have it continue to grow in my beautiful uterus past 8 weeks and while you are at it universe, a baby's birth mama to pick us???? Please!
So i shall now leave you with a few ideas of how cool are kids will be...Okay?
swagger, baby, swagger.
look! it's meli's baby girl!
10 comments:
It's going to happen Summer. I just know it. I pray for you all the time and I know others are too. Prayer is a powerful thing! God has a perfect beautiful plan for you. As hard as it is to say and especially to see he knows what he's doing and you're going to be better in the long run.
You have no idea how much you touch peoples lives sharing your story. You have touched mine in a way that I can't explain. You're an amazing, thoughtful, caring person. God has and will continue to bless you and take care of you, and hopefully soon bless you with a sweet precious little baby!
Sorry if I got to preachy, I just had to say it.
{HUGS!}
I love you hunnie... please know it will come.
Hang in there. There are a lot of us in the same boat.
I keep telling myself it will happen on God's time.
Ha! Your so sweet, sweet summer baby!!! Thanks for including my sass-a-frass. You know my thoughts on all of this are:
1. enjoy the breeze on your face and make the most of just trying to find your happiness.
2. enjoy the fun times in trying to create that babe of yours and a's. we know you can do it...so don't give up, just don't make it your primamry focus. love, feel, touch...get lost.
3. do what you and A want to do as a couple...not what the books say. and the age limits...
4. there is a scenario happening in my neighbor {thus my text to you last night} and I will do any and everything I can to help your baby dreams come true!!!!
5. Remember I love you guys.
Yay for the fci!!! You're going to do awesome! A baby will come... One way or the other. Also, I so admire you for living a full life in the city. I couldn't do it and yet, you make it look fun and easy. :-)
I was thinking about you in the hospital this week because one of my nurse's patients was giving her baby up for adoption, and I was wishing she didnt already have adoptive parents so I could call you or something. My friend came to see the baby yesterday and she is older than me and desperatly wants her own, and it just broke my heart because she is such a kid person and even works with them. I thought of you again. I hope your time comes soon. I really really do! xox
your babes will DEFINITELY have swagger? that first dude? too fierce, i love it.
know that i'm always sending up good thoughts for you and the mister =)
when i think of infertility, one word comes to mind: defeating. more often than not, i feel so defeated. that is not to say i never feel optimistic...but each failure resonates through my whole being. i hope you are hanging in there :)
xoxo, em
Hey lady! I love that you are still blogging and sharing this journey with us. I think your perspective about not focusing on it is spot-on! I have had a lot of friends who had difficulty conceiving, and many of them said when they "didn't try" or "didn't focus on it", that is when it happened. I am not sure if this is comforting or what, but just know that I am here for you and appreciate your honesty!
All of those kids are adorable and so cool. I can't wait to see pictures of yours, and I know it will happen suddenly and soon(ish). Waiting is hard, mama. That's for damn sure.
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