hi all.
i had a grand dinner last night with two, lovely ladies and then all hell broke lose.
marriage is hard.
yes, it is wonderful and a fairytale, but like Ra says, there are still a few dragons to slay.
in my case, a few ton.
my marriage = laughter and love + anger and sadness + resentment
there, i said it.
there is a lot of all of the above mixed in.
and a lot has to do with all that has happened, the way our finances look because of it, family issues, etc.
this blog is private. my name is not on it.
however, my life and friends who know me read it now.
i still feel leery of talking too much about really personal things but i feel heartbroken.
actually, i am heartbroken.
i try hard to put on a smile and make it through the day.
i look for the good in a lot of people.
i try to remain calm in tense situations,
but my heart breaks each time someone yells at me or gets testy.
it breaks because we have lost so much.
every now and then, it will mend itself a tiny bit with a mini needle and thread when something wonderful happens, because it does not want to be broken anymore.
it knows that it has so many wonderful things to be so thankful for but at the same time, it aches.
truly aches.
and last night, it broke a little more.
it wondered if i am making the right choices in my life.
it asked dad for advice but he must have been sleeping, because my heart got none.
i had a dream that my phone, laptop and purse (including valuables) were all stolen from me.
in real life, if this happened, i would be upset.
not because of the THINGS, but because of the photos on the laptop and the numbers in my phone and my daddy's license no longer in my wallet for me to look at whenever i want.
and i feel that maybe this means something more. that things have been taken away and i am having a hard time trying to get them back or mend my heart in the process.
does that make sense?
am i crazy? do you ever feel like your heart is broken?
15 comments:
marriage is not an easy thing my friend. we all have our own battles within our marriage and relationships. its tough. its never as rosey as everyone wants to paint it. and that's okay. its okay to want to hide that, but know its also okay to talk about it. no one is perfect. you have suffered more loss and upset in your life than anyone should in 10 lifetimes. you have battled more demons than you should. i wish i could take your pain away. i feel so helpless to help you.
This all makes sense. I get it more than you know. You are NOT crazy. I, too, have my dad's license and the key to his truck. You know I'm here for whatever reason...from one sistah to another; feeling & knowing. I've been there.
Marriage isn't easy even if you aren't going through major struggles- even the easy times are tough. Sorry that you're having to deal with all of that. You are definitely NOT crazy. I think that for everything that you've had going on you are doing great. I know we don't know everything about how you are feeling and how bad your heart is broken.. but I think the fact that you keep picking up the pieces and moving forward says a ton about how you're handling it all. I think the best thing you can do it talk about what you feel. Even though it totally stinks that you have to make this new blog and have to self-edit.. it is still going to be therapeutic for you to share your feelings. I'm so so so sorry there isn't anything more we can do :( xoxoxox keep your head up, pretty girl.
Oh, how I've felt those words, resentment--what a harsh and terrible word, but isn't it true! Especially with the losses you've been dealt, somehow the loss of babies makes you really resentful and it's so hard to get past that b/c hubby is the easiest one to lash out at!
I LOVE that you are writing here, where you can really be you and be honest. I've said it before and will never stop saying it, I wish I had a private blog, so the people in my life that I could hurt with my pains couldn't read it, but I could get the support of those out here that I love so much!
Sending love and support and wishing I could give you a good strong Louisiana hug!
First of all I love this new blog and that you have an outlet to be totally real on. I know I haven't been married as long but I get it, marriage can be really tough and when you throw in all you two have been through I can't even imagine. Not many couples would survive it all and the fact that you two have speaks volumes. You have proven you two can make it through anything. xoxo
You're not crazy. Promise. You've both been through alot and believe me, when the finances get tight or out of balance due to unexpected things, the fights come a little easier. Not to mention everything that you've been through in the last year. At some point, there's a tipping point and you just can't deal with anything more. You know, it might be good for you both to talk to someone. A third party that isn't a friend or family who can help you both work through what's been going on. I can't imagine getting up to go to work after all you've been through and yet, you keep your life moving forward as best as you can. That is commendable by itself.
You're a strong woman and you will get through this.
my heart breaks constantly... for different people, for different reasons. It's like a part of my heart is reserved just for them and reacts accordingly.
luckily I think/know I have a big heart and some bits I can concentrate on healing on and others I can let heal over time.
I hope that makes sense too
You aren't crazy at all. In fact, I think, like you, I worry that others don't feel the same as me sometimes. Relationships are so hard. I feel like my heart is broken sometimes too...I'm so glad you have this place to share. I'm so sorry there is not more that we can say in response. Like KLaw, I think your feelings are very founded and important. You aren't crazy at all.
Yep, probably all too often too. Dreams are powerful, and I think they say more about our true self, and REAL - honest feelings....check it!
Robbery:
To dream that you have been robbed, indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.
www.dreammoods.com
I love you honey....keep on keepin' on...
I dont know about marriage but I do know about heartbreak. Sometimes you feel like it will never get better and its hard to believe when people say it will. I was there. Now I'm starting to creep onto the side of better. I'm scared a lot that its going to slip away from me, but all I can do is hope the better feelings will stick around. Hope your better feelings are making their way towards you. and running fast.
I dont know about marriage, but I know about heart break.
I totally feel that "ache" in my heart. I never knew my heart could actually ache that much until we started going through infertility treatments. Marriage is hard enough by itself, but when you throw in life changing events, it starts to take its toll. A year ago, I was truly depressed...miserable to be around. I fought all the time with my husband because he just didn't understand how I felt. Little by little, we have started working together and sharing feelings more often (although he really doesn't totally get how I feel). I don't want to be the person who is miserable to be around, so I've really been trying to be more aware of myself. It's hard, though!!!!
i read this amazing article once (shoulda ripped it out of the magazine since i attempt to re-quote it all the time!) and it basically said that any relationship is a miracle. when you consider that two unique people, from completely unique backgrounds, with completely unique experiences can come together and form a bond...it's a miracle. and also, it's a lot of work. to find common ground among all of that uniqueness and come together. and with all of the loss and stress and financial hardship you have had to endure in the past year... just hang in there. you will emerge victorious and stronger than any army. i know that doesn't mend a broken heart but i hope the good thoughts and prayers of this bloggy friend can put a small smile on your face :)
xo, em
Breath in and out. It's not all roses for anyone. Our motto is the love part has to always come easy because the life part is hard. Because it is never that easy or fair. Life she's kinda a hussy. ;) xoxo
definitely makes sense. i think when people loose people they love they fell heart break too. not just when relationships end. i think that dream is so telling.
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